Galentine's Day has me reflecting a bit on the friendships I've made, lost, and kept throughout my motherhood journey in Chicago. Making mom friends in Chicago, and maybe any city, is a unique experience in many ways. The public school system is the source of many challenges including families often relocating, attending schools in different neighborhoods, switching schools, etc. On the flip side, living in the city, you have so many opportunities to meet new people. My friend groups have evolved over the course of the past seventeen years. In the end that wasn't a good or bad thing, but a manifestation of the proverb that for everything there is a season.
When I became a mom in Chicago, I had no other "mom friends." I was a transplant in the city and anyone I knew who had a baby moved back to their home states.
Shortly after I had my daughter, my mother passed away. One of the things about her funeral that stuck with me was how her friends talked about all their lunches and dinners together. Big groups of them. You always see that right? Dozens of women at a large table in a restaurant celebrating a birthday, or promotion, or maybe nothing at all.
I realized I was never at tables like that and wondered if I ever would be. I needed to get out there and play the field, meet other moms, form my tribe. I needed to start dating again, but with a different objective. I wasn't looking for a soulmate, but rather playmates.
Classes
The first thing I did was join a Mommy and Me class. The Mommy and Me Yoga class spun off into a few play dates. However, since the moms were either stay-at-home moms or work-from-home moms, and our kids were just babies, these meet ups tended to be short, early mornings at the park. No one ever proposed getting together without our babies in tow. I kept one long-term friend.
Community Groups
When my daughter reached eighteen months, I discovered NPN - the Neighborhood Parents Network. NPN provides, among other things, parent support in the form of active discussion forums, parent education workshops, organized play dates, and small mom social groups.
I joined them all! Well, not all, but many; Lakeview Moms, Moms over 35, BYOB Moms, Work from Home Moms, Book Club. It was great. We occupied very large restaurant tables. BYOB Moms was my favorite. There was no pretense. We went to BYOB restaurants to eat and drink wine affordably. What I loved the most about all these groups was that when you put together a group of women starving for adult conversation, they will talk about ANYTHING! Sex lives, body functions, marriages, religion, politics. Nothing was taboo. I joined in those conversations. Why not? We were essentially anonymous. Seemed we all had way too much on our plates to remember names, much less what was said.
When I got home from a social event, my husband would always ask how it went. "Are you going to see any of the other moms again?"
"I don't know."
The first night I came home with another mom's phone number, my husband gave me a high-five in perfect frat boy fashion. "Score!"
Just like dating, you have to cut through the bullshit. Competitive people, the judgy, the major exaggerators, ("My three month old sleeps through the entire night." Yeah, right.) New moms beware. Some moms come to these groups to feel better about themselves by making you feel like you are doing a bad job. They aren't your people.
Women came and went from these groups. Few attended consistently, but those that did, well, we became sisters-in-arms. We celebrated each other. We consoled each other. More babies were born. Some babies were lost. Even some moms.
However, as the babies and toddlers became school-aged, almost all these moms I had come to cherish moved to the suburbs. Everyone went saying the same thing. "I'll still come into the city all the time." And they did, for a little while. I kept two long-term friends.
Speed Dating
Desperate times called for desperate measures. I attended a few Mom Speed Dating or Friending events to find like-minded moms in the city with kids of the same ages. These events are nice because you have the opportunity to meet at least a dozen other moms in a short period of time and quickly screen for potential "matches." At the very least, it's a night out, and at best, you get a couple of numbers, schedule some play dates, and may even make a lifelong friend. Even better now there are apps like Peanut or Facebook Groups to facilitate "blind dating" between moms. I did not keep any long-term friends.
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PreK Parents
Once the kids were in PreK, there was more of a ready-made community of anxious parents all in the same boat. At this point you begin to follow the kid's lead, scheduling play dates with the friends they are choosing, and becoming friends with their parents. As we'd linger at morning drop-offs, we bonded over the lack of parking, the morning tantrums, the insane Principal. Most weekends were spent together loosely supervising our kids, (but mostly just shooting the shit), at birthday parties at places like Pump It Up or Chuck-E-Cheese.
But after PreK, if parents weren't moving their kids to the suburbs, they were sending them to all different schools across the city. Despite the distances and/or lack of daily interaction, the kids still invited each other to birthday parties...until they didn't. Parents tried to hang on a little longer, but without the kids as a driving force, many of those friendships fizzled out. I kept three long-term friends.
Kindergarten
At this point, I admit I was a little gun shy about investing in new relationships. If you are lucky, there will be at least one mom who takes the lead in organizing Mom Nights Out. I was lucky we had Stacia. At the first MNO, there had to be 20+ women. Each successive MNO got smaller, as the months and years went by. Thanks to CPS Choice Programs, some families switched schools as seats opened up at their preferred schools (something that wouldn't happen where your only choice is your neighborhood school.) Even Stacia wound up moving.
Then there is also that awkwardness of when your kids do not get along, or even worse when they used to get along but no longer do. It should be fine to just leave the kids out of it, but there is nothing more personal to you than your kids. Parents get offended, and rather than be confrontational about it, the adult friendships are sacrificed.
Eventually Mom's Night Out pretty much became the same five moms every time. The core became a very tight knit group that have remained close to this day. We went through it all together. Bad teachers, school bullies, test stress, injuries, illness, family strife, teacher strikes, a PANDEMIC, high school applications, holiday parties, milestone birthdays, communions, sporting events, school performances, new jobs, even a couple of girl's getaways. Despite the fact that our kids grew apart, particularly as they attended different high schools, our friendships have stood the test of time. In addition to the core, I kept about five long-term friends from my kids' elementary school days.
High School
I'm not gonna lie, I have not put much effort into becoming friends with other moms at my kids' high schools. For four quick years? Practically none of their friends from elementary school are at the same high schools. I've made some new acquaintances, but that's probably as deep as it will go. I've reconnected with a few moms from the past. In fact, I've run into a few from those early NPN mom social group days. And funny enough, it seems now that our teenagers need us less than they used to, I've seen more of the original MNO moms come out again. Seems like it is all coming full circle.
Keeping mom friendships at this point takes a bit more intention. Its harder to stay connected when you don't see each other every day at drop offs and when you are constantly being pulled into different directions by your kids' now very active social lives.
To be honest, my teenagers are a lot of fun to spend time with and I am relishing those opportunities before they go to college. In many ways they are becoming genuine friends and I will more than invest in that. Perhaps that is the next stage of the evolution. If so, I am HERE FOR IT!
Now retirement is on the horizon. I anticipate another exodus of families, (including ourselves possibly), to warmer places, more affordable places, places where our kids settle. Therefore, whether our friendships will be life-long is yet to be seen, but I am confident that with the strength of our bonds and the convenience of social media/texting our friendships will endure.
If you've kept track, I've collected more than a dozen long-term mom friends over the years in Chicago. I hope that my stories of love and loss aren't daunting. If you find yourself having similar experiences, as you transition between phases, remember the words of Dr. Suess, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
When you are in the moment and people are moving or dropping off, it can be pretty disappointing and upsetting, but in hindsight, the mom friends I did keep is only a subset of the most amazing and diverse women I have had the benefit to get to know, and I had so much fun along the way.
